Another Begining (MyLife)

This begining starts with my maternal grandma. Grandma was born with the stigma of illegitamacy, she also was among the last of native kids taken from their families and placed in an Indian Boarding School. From what I've learned, she left the school a hard living and heavy drinking woman. She married a man that drank just as heavy a her. He later turned out to be a pedophile also. Both became alcoholics.

My mom is the first of their children and one of grandpa's many victims, so was my aunt and eventually me. Both died when I was young and have little to no memory of them.  Much of what I do know I pried out of my mother when I started therapy.

During times when she went to visit him in jail, I was left with a family friend's oldest child, who abused me also. As a teen I was propositioned by 2 uncles ( one from each side).  Then as a young adult , I was coerced into a sexual relationship with my then boyfriend (now husband), years later I learned that was date rape.

Because my mother came from "tainted" parenting, she provided "tainted" parenting. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to all of us kids with the exception of the one she adopted to fill her "empty nest". There's whole other story there that I'll save for later. 

Mom was overly critical of everything any of us did. She always managed to find fault with everything. She never hid the fact that she prefered girls over boys, which put me at odds with 3 brothers. My oldest brother is a genius, so no matter how well I did in school, I was always compared to him, and came up short.  My next brother was the "scapegoat" of sorts. He was always jealous of me for being a girl, and I was too young to understand how profound that was for him.  When I hit puberty, the constant fight for my clothes began.  He would steal my things and I would have to find his hiding spot to take them back, then he would change his hiding spot. 

He spent his life hating himself and wishing he could have sex reassignment surgery. When he died it was probably a blessing in disguise. At least he is free of a body he dispised.

Then me, followed by another brother. My younger brother has similar issues, minus the surgery.

My mother's favorite is young children (preferably girls) she can contol. Once they start forming their own personality, she loses interest.  So when I reached school age , she slowly emotional replaced me with a cousin that lived nearby and had an absentee mother. Then in adulthood when I started therapy, we were making progress in reconnecting and healing when she replaced me again.  This time with my cousin's daughter, who she eventually adopted.

I in turn married someone who wasn't the best chioce, and had my kids.  My younger brother did marry and have kids, but later divorced.

Mom now sees my brother's kids as one of the joys in her life and mine as the scurge of the earth.  She also has placed my adopted sister on a pedestal so high she can probably see up God's nostrils.

While I will always be Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} eternally gratefull for taking us in when we had no where else to go, the situation is extremely stressful and demanding. Quite often I can't deal with it all and I let the depression win, just because its easier.