.....

I broke down yet again last night. not as bad as the other times before tho. i tried so hard not to keep joe awake. he wanted me to turn around so he can hold me and comfort me, but i didn't let him because i knew he needed to sleep. the last time, he only got 3 hours of sleep cuz i was hysterically crying. he said he didn't really lose any sleep last night, so that's good.

i know i'm supposed to ignore the voices, but it's so extremely difficult to ignore. i'm pissed off at the fact that i even hear voices in the first place. i'm mad because i know i'm not supposed to be hearing anything like this. it's not normal. How can i accept that there's something wrong and nothing i try works anymore? i shouldn't even have this to accept in the first place. why do things like this happen to good people? this kind of *** should only happen to evil people. let them go crazy and want to blow their own brains out, not me. i'm not a perfect person, but i sure as hell never deserved to go through something like this. it's something i can't change, and that pisses me off. i hate not being able to do anything about it. i hate not being able to fix it and make it go away forever.

i know, i have to be more positive. i'm having a really hard time with that too. it's like, what kind of good can hearing voices and going crazy bring me? i've always been the kind of person that needed proof to believe most things. for example, i need to know 100% that my mind is private, that no one at all can ever literally hear my thoughts, that i can think about anything and everything without hearing any voices responding to it. i should be able to listen for voices and hear silence instead. that's when i know the voices are gone. the voices are like unwanted visitors who refuse to leave. it's like they've made themselves at home in my head. when i try to imagine kicking them out and slamming the door and locking it, my fear opens the door and they come in again. even when i imagine that i'm chopping off their limbs with a chainsaw as they try to get through the door i'm trying to keep closed, the door never stays closed. they're like zombies that just won't die.

i know i have to accept the things i cannot change and let this make me into a stronger person. i know what i have to do. i have a LOT to work on.....