One small step

I accomplished something today.  When I feel exhausted- which is the norm- I give in and nap or just go to bed and don't get out till the next day.    So, I started laundry, and cleaned the entire apartment.  It might be only five hundred square feet, but when you have lupus, a small cluttered apartment can feel like a packed warehouse.  With the anxiety, I find it best to try and keep the apartment as tidy as possible.  I picked myself up off the floor and cleaned for two hours!

I've had to come to terms with the fact that, yes, I might be sick, but that doesn't give me a right to be lazy.  I don't want to be that way.  Sometimes it's overwhelming...there is so much to do and never enough time or energy.  The medications make me groggy and tired and the disease in general wears me out.  I go through silent mental battles over my own performance because of pain and fatigue.  It some ways, it keeps me motivated, but in others, it frustrates and frightens me.  I know that if I push myself, I will only get sick again.  I want to show everyone that I can work and be just like any normal person. I have to stop and cool down...and be okay with the fact that I just can't push it. 

So tomorrow might bring new obstacles...but for today, I defeated the lethargy and did something with myself.  No matter what the age or what the condition, we all have to start with one little thing at a time.  Just take five minutes and do something small- within reasonable limits- and then when that's done, sit back and congratulate yourself.  What might seem insignificant to others can be monumental to people with limits.  It's okay that we have limits...but we have to be determined not let ourselves turn into vegetables.  So take one thing at a time, and give yourself credit for it.

  :)